Before moving to Uni, and getting no say on who I’d live with for the next four years, I grew up in a very toxic household- and found myself running away every weekend- sleeping rough-and put in care.
Having the opportunity to move back home after Uni is one I can only be grateful for, and coming back to face my demons has only made me a stronger and more self-aware being.
In this blog I will share with you the strategies and solutions I have used to implement and maintain civil environments with myself, and those I’ve lived around.
So if you aren’t having a ‘fun’, or a manageable time in lockdown, I recommend taking action, and trying these suggestions out!
I can resonate how tough, and mentally challenging it can be to live somewhere you don’t want to. But if you’re reading this then you are willing to do anything to make your living situation more comfortable!
Crossing my fingers for you!
You deserve to live in a positive environment.
So read on and hopefully I can offer a nudge to help you improve your living situation.
JUST MOVE THE HELL OUTTA THERE!
Lets just understand the likelihood of your living situation ever being perfect is a very ambiguous dream.
So lets start simpler.
If we can work towards ‘civil’, best defined as, “relating to ordinary citizens and their concerns,’ whilst being, ‘courteous and polite,’ you should start seeing progress.
I understand that living with somebody you do not get along with is hard, strenuous, and extremely tough! It won’t always be positive, and it won’t ever be perfect!
You find you’re often in unresourceful states, you’re constantly in a negative mindset and on edge in the house. Because of all of this you’re behaving in a negative way; internally, and externally.
Financially, me screaming, ‘just move the hell outta there,’ isn’t a good solution.
In fact, I’d like to think you’ve looked into all of these options already. Because you recognise your worth, and it’s not living there.
Maybe you’ve looked into staying with friend, relatives; finding a flat in your stingy budge, staying in a hostel, living in your car, or maybe even a tent!
For whatever reason none of these options are available to you.
Or they are… But why should you have to live in your car because somebody makes you feel uncomfortable in a house you’re paying rent for?
So now what?
You’ve compiled a list of reasons, and finally you’ve accepted, for the time being, you can’t move out.
You need look at taking imperfect action to solving this.
- How could I stop feeling crap about this?
- What could I do to make this better?
And you might be thinking, ‘I can do nothing! It’s not me!”
There’s always something you can do, and there’s always a solution.
What other options have you got? We’ve already worked out you can’t move away.
I’m not a genie; my words will not magic your problems away.
So what can you do to make living in this crap better for you?
Before you try and answer that… Because that may seem difficult. Looking at it from a different perspective will really help you!
Consider how very blessed you are right now.
How much you have to be grateful for.
You have a roof over your head, water from the taps, and food in the fridges.
It’s estimated that there are over 320,000 homeless people in the uk right now.
That’s 1 person, in every 201, who don’t have their own bed to sleep in at night and aren’t promised their next meal.
It’s a privilege to be able to wake up, warm, and be able to put the kettle on and have a coffee. – Please bear this in mind.
Take accountability for being there.
Whether you’re going through a divorce, and aren’t ready to let go of your house.
Living at home with parents, because it’s financially easier.
Or you’ve just realised you’re living with a narcissistic, and your tenancy agreement doesn’t expire until next year…
Whatever reason it is, you don’t like where you’re living.
Being at home makes you feel uncomfortable and you can’t be yourself.
It’s not your home, but it’s the only home you’ve got right now and you feel miserable.
Take accountability for being there.
You’re choosing to stay for your own financial, and/or personal gains.
…And then work on improving it!
Understand that what- the why- and the how.
What is it about living with this person they do, or/and say, that affects you so negatively?
Maybe they’re coming home and offloading all their problems onto you and it’s sucking you dry. Perhaps they’re so busy offloading that they forget to ask you about your day, or consider what you’ve been doing. It could be that, they’re coming home late with tonnes of strangers, and it keeps you awake until the early hours and you’re waking up grouchy. Maybe they’re just not doing the jobs you’d expect them to be doing, or perhaps they’re nagging at the things you don’t do, instead of the things you do, and you feel little-to-no appreciation. Possibly you’re frustrated because they’re just lazy; they don’t talk to you, or they only shout at you.
Whatever your issues, (because the list is endless) figuring out the reasons why this upsets you so much is crucial.
Once you recognise why it’s upsetting, and affecting you so much, then you can get a clearer idea of resolutions and actions to take, in order to reduce levels of stress and tension in the environment.
Sit down and talk about your feelings. But remember, you have GOT to approach the situation with solutions!
Firstly, there’s no use recognising why you’re so upset, but then not talking to the person about it.
If you don’t communicate, the situation will only get worse.
People cannot interpret what you expect from them, you have to kindly, and considerately let them know before you blame them.
Secondly, it’s no good offloading how someone makes you feel without understanding why, and having a plan of action- or a solution which will help fix the problem.
Imagine if something was wrong with your car, and you took it to the garage. – The mechanic identifies that you have an oil leak, and also a flat tyre.
You ask how much it will cost for him to fix, to which he suddenly looks confused…
“I only tell you what’s wrong with the car. I don’t know how to fix it.” He says.
…. What a waste of your time would that be?! And what a pointless job they’d have right?
If you’re going to the person with a problem, be sure you’re going with a solution too. But be sure you’re only trying to fix the problem instead of, patronisingly, presenting them with demands!
Consider their feelings – and that there will be things that they’d like you to work on.
Living in a house with others is a team effort, which requires equal communication, and consideration!
The captain of a ship doesn’t steer the wheel, scrub the decks, and set the sales to starboard.
Be considerate in a conversation, and ask them if there is anything you could do that would help them feel more comfortable.
By asking them, you’re respecting that their opinion is equally important in this situation- which, it is. You’re also showing you hold yourself accountable. And you’re willing to be given constructive criticism if it’ll help you grow, develop, and keep a good atmosphere in the house.
If you’re tired of feeling like their councillor, and it’s draining your energy, then kindly suggest they go to see one; let them know you can’t be that support for them. That’s not your job in the house. You are not there to serve them, or be there every single of the second.
Perhaps you’re tired of getting woken up every friday night because they always invite people over.
In this instance you could make a mutual agreement made where you can both agree on something. Such as- only one night a month, rather than a week.
Delegate jobs- or days in which you perform jobs.
If the issue stems, more down to feeling like you’re doing too much, too often, then simply suggest the idea of certain job roles you’ll each take on.
Or have a set rota, so that you can both keep account of who’s doing what, and when.
What you must bear in mind is that in order for this to work, the other person must be willing- and be respectful of you.
Unfortunately I’ve been stuck in Uni houses with people who didn’t respect these boundaries.
I learnt the best thing to do with people who had attitudes like that, and showed be zero respect, was put them into silent mode.
I stopped letting the problem control my mood and I became more grateful, to myself, for not having behaviours and a mindset like that.
Once you’ve set your barriers, both understand what you can be doing and take action, you’ll notice improvements.
When people show respect to you, and your barriers. and you show them back- a foundation of a civil relationship is able to build back up.
If you want a better atmosphere in your house, then you need to be the adult and take control to make this happen!
I believe in you!